AMALADEVI'S PLACE

Here's where I tell you...some personal stuff, hats, books, & a not-exactly-holiday observance...

2011-11-03T21:00:00.000-07:00

Wow...since my divorce late 2009 I have lived three places, and done so many things, but now I live in a new city I love, have a wonderful dog, a cool series of temp jobs, and am astonished by the beauty of the seasons.

My new BBF is amazingly inspiring and encourages my lunges towards mental hygiene: for example, cured my fear of spiders completely. :)

I can totally deal with the 9-to-5 office work I do, I get to focus my attention, have gorgeous views of the Charles or trees or wildly ornamented old buildings and the sky to shift my eyes to twice an hour, and, usually, nice co-workers.

Also working on the third and fourth chapters for a serialized illustrated novel a very splendid publishing group is interested in, and drawings for other clients and loved ones, numerous fiber projects (mostly hats of course!) and designs for clothes--yep, lotsa hats here too, but not ONLY! Dresses and upper body garments are also in line. My multi-yarn hats are so nice and warm and wonderful-- people wear them forever--one of my exes even wore them during a period of extreme anger/resentment etc. toward me, is how good my hats are!!! :)

That reminds me, are you familiar with the annual Fur-Free Friday tradition. Please, if you have never looked into the practices of the fur industry, either look into it on an animal rights site or youtube, or, if you feel you'd be too traumatized, look at the Berdyaev fox experiments, some actual video if you can find some. These experiments, conducted by a team of women and men, just named after one, are very important to students of the canine mind/being, so material on them should be sought out. Anyway, it isn't upsetting, but lovely. These foxes are so beautiful, bright, sweet, such lively intelligent beings!

In the Nerdy Book department, I have just finished the last "Hollows" book, my favorite part of it as always being the pixy family life that continues around and intersects with the life of the main character's story. I find the series to have a truly weird morality, contradictory streaks of raunch-feminism (thanks, Ariel Levy, for that pejorative, even if I abhor what you write about Andrea Dworkin) and prudery, and other flaws, but still love and recommend it. In the latest, Pale Demon, there are big changes for, and much, much more learned about, the Jenks-Matalina family, including their home life, traditions, emotions, abilities, and enemies. (And even the Rachel Morgan plot is less annoying than usual! ;)

My present fingernail color is naked. Not nude, naked nails, buffed to a very soft glow, not that tacky over-shiny buffing one associates with salesmen. That reminds me, I just read Christopher Isherwood's Ramakrishna book. Very interesting! Recommended! R's disciple Vivekananda had such influence in the West--a salesman for all the right reasons, one could say--that it's worth reading for that reason alone. But some of the stories about the goofy saint himself are just lovely, and hilarious, like the one where he's throwing rupees and poop in the Ganges.

Ow ow ow pain pain ow

2010-03-18T22:30:00.000-07:00

Middle eastern dance's isolation drills helped these wretched cramps earlier in the day but not anymore. Just breathing helps. This pain really has gotten my attention. Keep wanting to hold my breath. Bad idea. Ow. Beautiful day, got to take lil dog walking, slowly and deliberately, letting him do as he would. He got to be his sweet self with two tiny children, waving his plumy tail and being sweet and gentle and beautiful and letting them feel his wonderful soft fur. But he does not move quickly, and had to be carried across some streets, so deliberate was his progress. By the way, OWW.

"Wai, Seeling Cat, Wai??!?! Wai u so krool?!" EVERYTHING'S upsetting right now. I'm'a disappear into a book. Ow. My fingernails are a deep beautiful shimmering absinthe color that's very pretty.

Fave song lyric-al inspiration of the day...despite a most vexing event!

2010-02-25T01:05:00.000-08:00

"Sometimes my back feels like it bears all the weight of this house, these three cats, and my truck full of crap....but with every little bang, every little push, every step I take I get closer..." ---Melissa Ferrick

I am so happy to have discovered this caffeine-demented performer whose life and lyrics rillyrilly seem like, "Whoa, that's, like just what I woulda written! I woulda written that! If I had any talent!" She's funny as all get out, playful, vulnerable, sexy, and a brilliant musician. The above song: far better than the little excerpt suggests. She's about to drop "Enough About Me," a CD of sublime covers & studio versions of two of her fan fave originals, and just got a new website up which I'll link to once a glitch or two's solved.

Now vexation...the hungry maw of the void into which things disappear with disturbing frequency from my iBook and iPhone when I am not finished writing them! Or in the case of music, when I haz purchased it from iTunes awready! :( When the voracious darkness of nonexistence swallowed a 4152 -character letter I wrote today, oy, the vexation! But "ya can't live on naches and ya can't die from tsuris," and I avoided lashon hara, which is one Jewish value I really believe makes life ever so much freer, clearer, happier, better, by expressing my considerable distaste with stilted, precise language. And I liked it! But losing a long, happy, letter I was writing to a sweet girl I recently met because she'd asked me a bunch of very intelligent questions surely did vex me sorely a little while ago.

The most disgusting thing ever

2010-02-16T22:59:00.000-08:00

Had to wait for a long time, Monday night in Center City Philadelphia, for my bus home after an excellent meeting of our scriptwriters' group. It was snowing such huge flakes! One could see them coming at one's face from up in the sky. We caught some on our tongues. My co-writer had very kindly and unilaterally decided to wait with me. The snow changed to smaller flakes, almost rain. Someone driving a car drove too fast and too close to the bus shelter and disgusting dirty water splashed my white down coat and my mouth. I kept spitting to get the salty fetid taste to go away. Truly nasty. On the bright side, haven't yet come down with a hideous malady.

Looking at the upbeat nature of my previous post, I wonder who that person was. I put off moving as long as I could, in shock, not actually living in my new home until the day before Christmas Eve. The first several days there was no heat and the temperature outside was in the 20s, so I dressed warmly and made grateful use of the cold-weather sleeping bag my co-writer had lent. I cried a lot, and have been continuing to do so off and on. My sleep cycle was knocked so far from normal it was almost completely reversed, with days when I woke up at 7 pm. That recently began to improve but was set back recently when I couldn't sleep until nine am.

After moving in, I had the house to myself until the third week of January, as my housemate dealt with family issues in the Midwest, to go through the worst of the shock and hurt. By no means do I imagine myself safe, yet, on the other side. I think the fact I'm writing in this journal is a good sign. Also have decided not to seek a relationship with any of the loa at this time, nor participate in building a new faith around theistic satanism principles; nobly as they have been expressed, they are too abstract for me. While I support every faith's right to Constitutional free exercise, and the Constitutional preclusion of any single faith's being favored by the state, at this moment it would be fairest to say I'm agnostic. Without knowledge or pretense to knowledge. Not without hope. Getting through each day as well as possible. Plan to resume the Sanskrit and Hebrew language studies that in the past were going so very well, but reluctant to put anything on a schedule. First priorities are sleep, healing, caring for my dog. A new name has begun recurring in my dreams: "Shan" as short for Angela; it sounds nice, has associations with a nice girl I knew in junior high, and "Shani" has good resonances in Hebrew. Perhaps like the deathly ill Jews who would change their names to Chaim or Chaya to elude Death, I can help my spirit outfox this emotional malaise via adopting Shan(i) as a nickname for Angela. I do believe I will succeed.

More Fun in the New World

2009-11-19T20:33:00.000-08:00

Working with Ganesha, Kali, and Shiva for years, I am thankful, prepared me for the huge changes that fell upon me not long after my last post. My present for our sixth anniversary turned out to be a surprise divorce, with homelessness the ribbon on top. Quite a storm ensued within indeed, despite the fact that many of my friends and family, and substantial voices from within me, had wanted a change of this nature. I had done some serious work on being grateful for and committed to the relationship despite its shortcomings, which seemed to exacerbate the temptation to stamp my little foot, shake my curls, and commit suicide.

Had to admit, though, not only had I prepared for it, but asked. Or offered my willingness. I had been feeding Papa Legba almost every day, had given him a cane, and his Macoute-Legba. I had almost collapsed in front of Ogun, had met the wise Priestess about whom I wrote earlier, had worked under her guidance with Olokun, had spent many hours each week in study. It was strongly palpable, or "in the air," as my older lady relatives were wont to say, that something was about to change. I wanted it to; I was offering myself. For some time I'd had a practice a friend informed me was a variation on one observed by Tibetan Buddhists, asking to die each day if I couldn't be useful. So here was my crossroads.

The suddenness and irrevocability of being divorced/evicted blew my expectations up. But within twenty-four hours, magic and blessing began to play their music like a different section of the orchestra taking up the melody. It didn't immediately soothe the screaming kid, of course; I can be as big an emotional mess as the next person, so sometimes there was whining, complaining, cussing, bitching, etc., but the current was in motion. In no time, I found a Reiki class where I'll be get Reiki 2 attunement November 29, was offered a lease in a wonderful new home with an inspiring, smart, dog-loving person, reconnected with many dear friends, and began to hope for a future in which I really could and would be useful. The need to know exactly what's going on in the world(s) of fashion is letting go of me; my costume and makeup collection will be useful for many things, but since at this point I'd only work in those fields for film and performance/ritual and maybe sell some costume stuff on etsy, I don't need to follow the news and trends and changes. Wherever things are going, they are going to be wonderful, and I am so, so grateful.

Finally, I found this article, with so much amazing information in it: http://www.uni-koeln.de/phil-fak/afrikanistik/kant/data/ML1_kant1.pdf by Elizabeth Mackenrodt. Certainly going to look for other work from her...so many parts of her article having inspired many questions, ideas, hopes that we can share the benefits of so many kinds of healing.

a long month-and-a-half, & possibly some solace after a REALLY long year!

2009-09-27T21:19:00.000-07:00

So much has happened. But one supremely celebratory recent event was that a black lab fur-child we had taken responsibility for, almost exactly one year ago, has found her proper home, thank Azazel Abyzou Legba Olokun Shiva Ganesha and EVERY deity who has helped! She was not happy, and her restlessness, stress, anger and sadness infected us more severely than we even now may realize. I am letting go of feeling that we "failed"--- we gave her the best care possible during the months she was most likely to kill/injure someone accidentally, run in front of a car, or act on some other uncontrolled impulse leading to bad outcomes for her. We carefully interviewed the many candidates who applied for this beautiful young dog. Her new home is with a dogwise person who has another large dog---whom she adores (actually both human and large dog!) and who takes extremely good care of dogs. Exhaling now! Can still feel pain and tension in my back, neck, arms, shoulders, eyes, but now feel it ebbing away more and more.

I thank Papa Legba, been just loving him, providing him a nice offering, a strong walking stick, a pretty macoute-Legba and refreshing him some strong, fresh black coffee every day, and he is bringing such blessing, not only in FINDING (the right puppy-parent), but keeping SAFE IN TRAVEL (the possibility of death/serious accident was very real on the 40-minute ride to her new home: she wouldn't go in the car except riding shotgun, with all the antics that allowed) and BRINGING GUIDANCE (finding really intelligent books on subjects I needed to learn about, meeting a wonderful high priestess, and developing perspective on situations I had allowed myself to consider problems!) Love and candies and coffee and soon, I will also bring Legba some lovely rum. Merci merci merci cher Papa.

here's hoping this head injury will be wonderfully transforming!

2009-08-16T22:12:00.000-07:00

I mean, the skeptics are known to remark upon any biological process that can result in emotional or exalted experience. Head injuries are mentioned in this context. But as yet, despite a) concussion, b) post-concussive syndrome, and even c) accidentally smashing MYSELF in the same nose my Labrador smashed (she used her breed-perfect skull, I used a car door) to produce the initial concussion...no visions. No oceanic experience. Pouting now.

Not really...but did do a bunch of praying, the second time I was spazzed into the CAT scanner's jaimongous rotary dial, that somehow, this head trauma would indeed help me be more sensitive to others and to the thoughts of the deities I love. As yet, have neither traveled astrally or mistaken my wife for a hat. Samadhi, bliss? Well, no, only during sex, nothing new there. The semi-fanciful hope of my head trauma shakin' loose previously hidden psychic sensitivities has inspired me to pray & meditate more, and be more vigilant about quickly splooshing away self-beating thoughts, however...leading me to conclude: so far so good.

Sometimes feel kind of goofy...

2009-08-02T16:03:00.000-07:00

...especially compared to other writers far more eloquent and experienced than I. However, it's not that I can't write (professional journalism, appellate briefs, Law Review---not low standards!) or haven't studied world religions in depth for three decades, and it's no excuse to live the unexamined life...so, have tried to update my blog today by making a good start to my blogroll, with the most rational, clear and well-done Theistic Satanist blogs I have so far encountered; and by switching over to the new proper title and subtitle.

The only thing of significance I have to say today, though, being kind of blah because of recovering from post-concussive syndrome (my third concussion---I think if I were a college football player they'd sideline me!) is how much more I have appreciated music of all kinds since doing my Satanic initiation! This is after having played a number of instruments and enjoyed diverse genres from classical to swamp rock for a long time---also enjoying playing even more (the electric bass: an awesome instrument to dream with). Hail Satan, y'all...

Dream says--disconnect from being a passive consumer of realities and save your life

2009-07-13T21:38:00.000-07:00

This was a very long involved strange dream that seemed to cross centuries, from an old, old settlement of early humans who allowed superstitious mania to cause them to leave their homes and kill various of their members, to a fictional present in which thousands of middle-income families were displaced when the areas in which they could afford to live turned out to be in the path of a flood caused by environmentally-destructive practices employed by the builders of nearby wealthy enclave communities, to the near future, when entertainments to which people linked brought about their deaths. Everyone felt they had to kill or be killed. In the dream I knew it was a dream, and knew I was observing a lesson about the necessity of detachment. Instead of consuming the ideas about reality by which we are made docile, passive, consumers, we could stop and become resistant, resilient, create or step into that mundo bueno/ juntas con nuestros amigos y compadres en el trabajo /saliendo por nuestros mismos, porque queremos hallar y buscar mas luz, comer y beber mas luz, aprender como vivir en la luz de la verdad. Sal si puede! O hay enemigos que va venir en nuestras almas y van a traer infermedad y muerte. Quizas van a parecer como juegos inocentes, bailes y canciones y fiestas, o las comidas mas sabrosas o el agua mas puro, pero todo va a morirles si no podemos...

Pero...podemos! Podemos viajar en pienzo al mundo bueno. Podemos cambiar nuestros pienzos. Cada pienza se puede hacer nueva...se puede limpiar la alma entiera si tiene cuidado con cada pienza. I suppose the dream shows that it is more essential than ever for me to counsel myself to be open and listen and let go of preconceptions and the prefab realities whose agendas are other than liberatory, other than the very taste of truth, la verdad de mi corazon--Detach, detach! A veces estoy idiota grande, pero aun Abyzou puedo ver en letras grandes, "Sal si puede"cada vez no estoy en el mundo bueno, y mi alma no canta, y el angel sagrada no habla conmigo. Get out of here and go to el mundo bueno. Ahora, tengo que dormir. Dioses y Diosas les bendigan.

This dream was speaking to me about spiritual path issues in that it presented the option of hiding one's head in the sand as a dangerous one. Rather than being a passive consumer, taking one's life, survival, and happiness into one's own hands ultimately led to learning, challenges, adventures, and ultimately, the achievement of that survival and happiness. Caveat: I by no means believe in dreams, especially my own, as channels of inerrant truths, far from it! However, at times, they contain useful suggestions, glimpses of beauty, or insight into some of my own deeper feelings and intuitions. As the Prayer of Acknowledgment of Satan's Rulership says,
"Every part of me is within Your power.
You are within every part of me."

words don't begin

2009-06-26T22:20:00.000-07:00

to convey the horriblicity. Only hoping all PMS. Thought head would explode. Migraine? Maybe. Had to work anyway. At least some pretty colors at Sephora: a mermaid color, a dark red, a flashing-flying-fish silver (growing my fingernails long--or shall we say weaponizing them LOL). Beautiful lightning flashing against blue, pink, orange, gray-violet skies, so bright, as drove home--i was all, "your approximations on both sides of my ride, here, aren't getting any closer! AHEM! Hit me, go ahead!" My lover said i had to apologize to errybidy i wz means 2: "u had your cranky pants on!"

and then my stupid ancient laptop is messing up every possible way, i have all this activist shit to do which I have doubts about now because I did like three decades HARD time as an activist and was soooo ready to let the people who cared about all that political shit take over now (small smile). And wordpress fucked up my blog ABYZOU where was starting to put all new ABYZOU stuff---experimental theistic Satanism. Just want to throw up. Wish my brain could throw up. Prolly what it wz tryin 2 do when head hurting so bad. Gave myself the damn migraine trying not to cry all day at work, clenching teeth, holding breath...now is the 1st time i let myself cry all day. Even now holding back so no one hears, but my sweetheart sleeps fairly soundly.

Yup, any second now, wait n see, my period will start and everything will be sunshine and roses again--not to mention cute bunny rabs and chirping colorful tiny birds carrying ribbons that say "PMS is over for another cycle!" and little word balloons of musical notes from the birdies will fill the air.

Any *&@#%! second now.

The new names and new-old ideas

2009-06-02T13:28:00.000-07:00

My scary-brilliant daughter, who's buzzed rings around me intellectually since very small, suddenly clarified something that had bothered me forever in the Yoga Sutras and many other systems. As we waited for some Indian takeout, we perused a New Age newspaper on the bench.

I was choking inside because to the large golden statue of Lord Ganesh and the small colorful statue of Shiva, Parvati and Balaganesha near the cash register, I had only made obeisance in my thoughts, not outwardly, other than gazing at Lord Ganesha's gently curving golden feet and telling him I could not, at that moment, do more than imagine. The murtis were so beautiful and loving, I was so drawn to them, but a cold, hard wall of rejection came from the humans who had placed them there. This is the context for what has come after, and it is to me still a gift from the Lord of Obstacles! Perhaps because of my rather unconventional appearance that day (my daughter is a photographer, I had been the subject) or my colorful half-sleeve tattoo, or my daughter's own art-student-feral attire, we'd been placed behind a screen to wait, rather than in the main area like the other patrons.

Something funny in one of the New Age entrepreneurs' ads got us on the subject of sexual fetishes, erotic feelings via, e.g., shoes, ropes, urine, leather clothes. Civil libertarians the both of us, we were considering that unless such fetishes involved children, coercion or serious harm there was no reason for society to condemn them. When after a thoughtful pause she added, "But when you consider the role and purpose of sexuality...they are so irrelevant," it was like lightning striking: in certain contexts, whether one has picked up the drycleaning is irrelevant. In other contexts, whether one takes prized artwork from a burning house is irrelevant. There definitely exist many contexts in which is irrelevant that one is aroused by/falls in love with tall dark girls, bespectacled elfin-type guys, redhaired Ph.D.'s, or immaculate classic car enthusiasts---you-name-the-quality-of-the-day--it's ALSO irrelevant. The frequent irrelevance of Eros to a given moment is the best explanation I have yet discovered for religious directives against it: when a person's chosen a good course of action, sadhana, obsessing over one's object of desire will only detract, or delay, its working.

The reason the question bothered me at all is that I don't believe in any system that tries to make us sheep. And I believe sexuality can be one of the spirit's sparkliest guiding stars. It can lead to honesty, to courage, to self-knowledge/self-acceptance, to spontaneity or to responsibility. As long ago as my first introduction to the diversity of human cultures, I've rejected the prohibitions regarding various types of sexual love in Abrahamic religions as unhealthy, authoritarian, sexist/homophobic, crippling, and stupid. But it took my daughter's honest question to show me two things: first that there were good reasons for sexual prohibitions, context-dependent, because in many contexts desire/eros is "so irrelevant." Second, I had been dishonest in failing to really question the sexist, sex-negative authoritarianism in yoga and much mainstream Sanatana Dharma. This was amazing; I was & am very thankful. Curious, honest questions: I'm for 'em: they work. More on what happened next later.

It can be very easy to worry. Or not.

2009-04-05T00:52:00.000-07:00

Even though I know worry can't logically alter anything for the better. That it only dilutes the present with muddy ideas about the past and future. Etymologically it evokes a carnivore killing prey or destroying an object with its teeth! It is contagious. But defenses exist, thank Devi.

Breathing deeply is a powerful one. Sometimes it is impossible--I have been feeling afraid and confused at times tonight--but then, once I stop and notice just where the breath's caught, where it's trying not to go, that can help it get past that point in the next cycle of gentle exhalation and inhalation. As the breath feels more complete, reaching my whole body--once each inhalation sparkles in the chemical reactions in each cell--and the full, deep breaths cycle through the body a few times, at least it hurts less. Alterations in the body = less pain. Sounds good. Seems like I've been talking to my children a lot lately about getting enough rest, taking care of themselves, as we've all had difficulties with sleep patterns. Tonight is a good time to for deep breathing and meditation, thankfulness and reflection upon what is real and what is not.

Saraswati's kindness

2009-03-11T20:52:00.000-07:00

The Devi who nurtures arts and sciences, radiant in white clothing, adept in music, is also modest and unassuming, choosing a white swan over the peacock as vahana. Praying to her and meditating on her has been lighting sparklers in my imagination, stories and stories that want to be written, from children's picture books to intense stories of people similar to and different from anyone I've known. As the lovely blog The Girl Inside has been inspiring me to consider issues of identity, illusion, and death in angelabocage.com, another facet of that inspiration has been to consider mahamaya differently. There are so many good reasons to tell stories, paint, compose and play music. Many of them have to do with offering others hope, cautioning others, comforting, frightening (like a dystopian-future story may seek to frighten us into saving our environment), or illustrating the common bonds transcending intergroup conflict. The world and time are similarly designed: artworks of brilliance and detail, like a painted scrim, a lighting sequence, a screaming guitar solo, an eerie pennywhistle intro, a horrible special effect wound, the pauses between an actor's words---out of the Devi's care and compassion for us. I have been thinking that each person's experience is so uniquely crafted from the world and time to make us strong, wise, and joyful, and able to have more and more to give.

Beautiful New England moments and joyful weather here

2009-02-27T21:36:00.000-08:00

Today it was sooo warm in Philadelphia it felt like the Bay Area, even when I was out with puppy fairly late tonight. It was a sweet amazing feeling, like a plant feeling sunshine. Spring is my favorite. On the train this morning there was a lady telling really sad stories to someone on a cell phone in a really upset way and it was kinda horrible...I was thinking in the morning about how it's more responsible in one's efforts at kindness to others to be as happy as possible, because one's mood can be so contagious. So the weather helped. Isn't that fairly ridiculous?! And last night I saw this absolutely adorable video on dykestowatchoutfor.com about driving through New England. The snow, the buildings, the shadows, the sweet li'l voice of Alison thoughtfully narrating. It's so beautiful! Check it out...

Whoa girl.

2009-02-18T21:45:00.001-08:00

Hitting a wall of my own enmeshment with false identity today. I have become emotional, upset and insecure, and really need to calm myself. I have learned there's a spiritual center near my home dedicated to the Kedar manifestation of Lord Shiva where I may be able to participate in some Mahashivaratri activities and am trying to learn the Mahamritunjay manta. I know my mother meant it when she said she communicated with my spirit before I was born, and when she gave me a name that means Devi. However many mistakes I make, I know I will find the beautiful abode of the Mother, because I will never stop trying. Jai Kali Maa; Om Shivaya Namah.